Waiting

Today is the 5 month anniversary of Theo's birth and death. It has passed largely without incident or upset which I take as a sign that, although life is still hard at times, we are both slowly coming to terms with things. Clare is cooking me a nice dinner of toad-in-the-hole as we speak (despite being a bit under the weather!).

We are still waiting for the results of Theo's genetic tests and my x-rays. The waiting seems to be harder than the grief these days and it's so very hard to be patient when all we want to do is start our family.

We had a church weekend just over a week ago and, whilst looking through the book stall, a book jumped out at Clare because of its title..."Wait". The book contains a poem that's apparently done the email circular rounds in the past. It talks of how God is capable of giving us everything we want but often tells us to wait because it is by doing this that we learn more about him and grow in Christ. The words of the poem are truly inspired!

Wait by Russell Kelfer Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate... and the Master so gently said,"Wait." "Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply. "Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!" Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?" I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign. Or even a 'no,' to which I'll resign. You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, We need but to ask, and we shall receive. Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply.
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, "Wait." So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?" He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine... and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be. You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me. You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint. You'd not know the power that I give to the faint. You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there. You'd not know the joy of resting in Me when darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart. The glow of My comfort late into the night, the faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know should your pain quickly flee, what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, but oh, the loss if you missed what I'm doing in you. So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

We know that the sentiments expressed in this poem are true of the God we put our trust in. Although loss and waiting patiently are hard to bear, we believe God uses these things to develop our faith and character so that we can become more like Him.